Directors Cut: The Anti-Chaos Issue [July Issue #1]
The decade-long dream came true...but I don’t feel how I thought I would. Now what?
Now what, indeed.
That’s the million dollar question.
The Anti-Chaos issue is about what happens when my nervous system finally calms down—when the noise drops, and I’m left with the question:
“If I’m not chasing it anymore… then who am I?”
I spent ten years building the dream.
The version of success I thought would make everything click. When I’d finally start feeling content in my life.
And now I’m here, living it and I feel… weird.
Not sad. Not broken. Just slightly misplaced in my own life.
This isn’t a meltdown. I’m not spiralling. I’m not crying myself to sleep every single night. It’s more like I’ve stepped into a role I’ve visualised in my head forever - only to realise I spent so much time visualising the surroundings, that I didn’t once ask myself how I was going to interact with it all.
Who I was going to be amongst it.
I’m starting to see how much of what I built was driven by survival.
By proving that I could do it. By performing. By trying to be seen as “enough.”
And now that the chaos has settled, the validation isn’t hitting the same.
The goals got ticked off, but the girl who set them? She’s not really here anymore. If I’m being honest, I don’t think she ever left Sydney 10 years ago when the goal was first set. In her place is someone who has experienced life in a different way. Whose priorities have shifted more than once.
So this month, I’m running everything I create, do and experience through a different lense.
I’m asking myself ‘would I want to create or engage in this if no one ever saw it?’. For the first time in 34 years, I think I’ve actually started using discernment. Don’t quote me on it, but I’m realising that a lot of my decisions in the past have been ‘excitement-led’, but mainly to validate my ego. To prove myself and my ability to achieve something.
This month I’m figuring out how to live without the version of me that thought success was the answer to everything.
Maria x
✦ Read the Rest of The Anti-Chaos July Issue #1:
→ Cult Cravings: For the sensory obsessions and secret comforts we romanticise our survival with
→ Note to Self: The emotional fog between burnout and clarity, written in real time
→ Dead Honest: No fluff. No filler. Just the truth you’re too tired to dress up
→ Moodswings: July’s emotional forecast (spoiler: you’re not actually losing it)
→ Directors Cut: When the dream comes true but doesn’t feel like you thought it would
This is one of 5 free posts from this month’s SoftEdge issue. If you want the full experience—including the deeper drops, private posts, and full archive access—you can become a paid subscriber. £24/year or just £4 per issue (month).